All these Michael Bolton Christmas commercials remind me of the time you could buy CD's in a store

So unless you have been living under a rock, you would know that Michael Bolton is all over TV singing in Christmas commercials.

By the way, I have never understood the phrase "living under a rock." How do you live under a rock? Most rocks are pretty small and if you lived under it you would be underground. Unless it was like a really big rock that was tilted at an angle. Kind of like a boulder. The only rock I have ever seen that was big enough to live under was Plymouth Rock where the pilgrims landed. But you would have to have a tent and some serious supplies to live under there. But anyway......

Michael Bolton is one of the greatest artists of this or any generation so I am glad to see him back in the public eye.

Many many years ago there was this time when if you wanted to buy music you had to go to a store and buy a CD.  These music stores were very successful and all over the place.  Getting a $25 gift coin from Coconuts, Strawberrriess, or Sam Goody's was the last resort present for all occasions.

But back to Michael Bolton.  One time when I was very young my parents took me to one of these stores for the first time.  I walked around and was stopped dead in my tracks.  There it was. A Michael Bolton CD with his beautiful face on the cover.  I had never heard of him before but when I saw his long hair and chiseled face on the cover of that CD I was hooked.

I went home with that square plastic container full of joy of where my life was going. After three hours of trying to open the thing (CD's also came wrapped in clear duck tape) I played that album everyday for years.

So Merry Christmas Michael Bolton.

I am glad to see you back in the spotlight.

(even though I am pissed you cut your hair and that peacoat you have on is too long)


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

I am the biggest loser in the United States and here is my To Do list for today:

1) Take a shower

I haven't showered in a week. No joke, like one whole week. Probably last Wednesday when I started blogging was the last time soap touched my body. I ran into someone yesterday, and when they were in close proximity to my smell the conversation ended and they walked away.

2) Shave

Are we still doing that no shave thing for men's health? Was that just November or is that like a regular thing now? When someone asks me why I look like Walter White hiding in a cabin can I just say it is for men's health?

2) Find my car

My car has been missing for quite some time now.  It is either stolen or a victim of that ridiculous street cleaning schedule.

3) Write a blog post

Blogging is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I still can't figure out how to use a comma or when it is appropriate for swear words.

That is it.

Ok, time to get started.

Oh wait, it's already 4pm and dark out.

I guess all this stuff will have to wait until tomorrow.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Boston College and USC played basketball last night and all I can think about is that time my roommate had sex with Casey Jenner

So Boston College and USC men's basketball played a game last night.

The new head coach at USC is that guy from dunk city. They are currently 5-0 at home and trying to get back to the big time.

BC was picked by ESPN the magazine as an upset alert going into the season.  

Anyway, USC won something to something.

But that is not the point of this blog.

My roommate freshman year of college used to have sex with Casey Jenner.

Casey in the daughter of Bruce Jenner, but is not featured at all in the TV show. She is a legit smoke. Her and I attended Boston College together.

My roommate freshman year was on the BC basketball team.  He was almost seven feet tall and had an And 1 tattoo on his arm.  He could barely fit on the bed and his alarm would go off every morning for practice at 6am.  He would never get up and I would yell his name to turn off the alarm.

Anyway, Casey Jenner was a junior at the time and lived off campus. Her and my roommate dated that year.

I had this hot box set up under my bed that I created with rack raisers and sheets.  I would sit under my bed for hours smoking pot and you couldn't smell anything in the hallway.

One night I had fallen asleep in there and my roommate and Casey came home.  They had no idea I was under there. I woke up to them talking and I didn't feel like coming out of the cave.  They proceeded to hook up and gradually have sex.

It was too late to mention I was in the room, so I stayed silent.   I couldn't resist all the sounds I was hearing and I needed a visual. I peeked my head out and watched was the greatest vision these eyes have ever scene.

I felt like Rudy's dad seeing Notre Dame stadium.

Eventually they left the room and I was able to escape my cell.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Here is the Holy Bible of conversation topics

The following is a list of topics that will make for some excellent conversation:


- The taste of a girls butthole

- You preference of a male or female therapist

- The appropriate amount of time to look at a dogs red rocket

- If your boss died would you be sad

- The types of rich people crime you would commit. (stealing skis from a lodge, taking someone's coat at a party)

- The amount of money you would pay a girl to get an abortion

- The joy of having your prostate massaged

- The moment you have felt the most racist

- Feeling happy when others fail

- The last time you cried really hard

- Eating human flesh to stay alive

- Would you push someone you hate off of a cliff if no one would know

- The amount of time you think you could survive torture

- The weirdest thing you have searched for on the internet

- The moment you realized you should start deleting your browsing history

- How much you hate your friends wife

- The amount of time you will look for your phone before you determine it is lost


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

The phrase "innocent until proven guilty" needs to be officially retired from american life

The presumption of innocence, sometimes referred to by the Latin expression Ei incumbit probatio qui dicit, non qui negat (the burden of proof is on he who declares, not on he who denies), is the principle that one is considered innocent until proven guilty


Hi, how are you?

Great, thanks.

Actually, I am not that great. Because someone accused me of something and it got dismissed and/or I was found not guilty.

This conversation could be anyone in the United States of America.

Good and you? Not that great. Because all those accusations are all over facebook and google and twitter and whatever else you might think of.

Do people realize that the phrase "innocent until proven guilty" needs to be retired from american life?

Jamies Winston FSU quarterback? not enough evidence to prove the case. The jury on twitter? guilty.

Duke Lacrosse players? the lead prosecutor got disbarred for prosecutorial misconduct. The rest of these players lives? guilty.

Hey, it was fun while it lasted. But the phrase "innocent until proven guilty" does not exist in american life anymore.

Goodbye legal system. You have been replaced by social media.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

The Godfather has requested a sitdown with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton

So apparently Lindsay Lohan is in an all out war against the Hilton family.

Paris Hilton's brother, Barron Hilton, was beaten up really bad this weekend. 

According to the story, Barron and Lindsay Lohan were at a club this weekend and firecrotch issued a hit on Barron. One of her bodyguards or something sent him to the hospital with what looks like a broken face.

But the best part of the story is the response from Paris Hilton:

"They will both pay for what they did. No one fucks with my family and gets away with it!!"

Do not be surprised if Lohan goes missing and all we have is a fish wrapped in newspaper.

Lindsay Lohan could be sleeping with the fishes very soon.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Any man who has to say "I am the King" is no true King. Game of Thrones Season 4 starts soon

I'm so excited, and I just cant hide it.

I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

Game of Thrones Season 4 is right around the corner.

I will never forgot that time Ned Stark and Jamie Lannister had a lightsaber battle

Ned Stark and Jamie Lannister lightsaber battle


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise