All these Michael Bolton Christmas commercials remind me of the time you could buy CD's in a store

So unless you have been living under a rock, you would know that Michael Bolton is all over TV singing in Christmas commercials.

By the way, I have never understood the phrase "living under a rock." How do you live under a rock? Most rocks are pretty small and if you lived under it you would be underground. Unless it was like a really big rock that was tilted at an angle. Kind of like a boulder. The only rock I have ever seen that was big enough to live under was Plymouth Rock where the pilgrims landed. But you would have to have a tent and some serious supplies to live under there. But anyway......

Michael Bolton is one of the greatest artists of this or any generation so I am glad to see him back in the public eye.

Many many years ago there was this time when if you wanted to buy music you had to go to a store and buy a CD.  These music stores were very successful and all over the place.  Getting a $25 gift coin from Coconuts, Strawberrriess, or Sam Goody's was the last resort present for all occasions.

But back to Michael Bolton.  One time when I was very young my parents took me to one of these stores for the first time.  I walked around and was stopped dead in my tracks.  There it was. A Michael Bolton CD with his beautiful face on the cover.  I had never heard of him before but when I saw his long hair and chiseled face on the cover of that CD I was hooked.

I went home with that square plastic container full of joy of where my life was going. After three hours of trying to open the thing (CD's also came wrapped in clear duck tape) I played that album everyday for years.

So Merry Christmas Michael Bolton.

I am glad to see you back in the spotlight.

(even though I am pissed you cut your hair and that peacoat you have on is too long)


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

I am the biggest loser in the United States and here is my To Do list for today:

1) Take a shower

I haven't showered in a week. No joke, like one whole week. Probably last Wednesday when I started blogging was the last time soap touched my body. I ran into someone yesterday, and when they were in close proximity to my smell the conversation ended and they walked away.

2) Shave

Are we still doing that no shave thing for men's health? Was that just November or is that like a regular thing now? When someone asks me why I look like Walter White hiding in a cabin can I just say it is for men's health?

2) Find my car

My car has been missing for quite some time now.  It is either stolen or a victim of that ridiculous street cleaning schedule.

3) Write a blog post

Blogging is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I still can't figure out how to use a comma or when it is appropriate for swear words.

That is it.

Ok, time to get started.

Oh wait, it's already 4pm and dark out.

I guess all this stuff will have to wait until tomorrow.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Boston College and USC played basketball last night and all I can think about is that time my roommate had sex with Casey Jenner

So Boston College and USC men's basketball played a game last night.

The new head coach at USC is that guy from dunk city. They are currently 5-0 at home and trying to get back to the big time.

BC was picked by ESPN the magazine as an upset alert going into the season.  

Anyway, USC won something to something.

But that is not the point of this blog.

My roommate freshman year of college used to have sex with Casey Jenner.

Casey in the daughter of Bruce Jenner, but is not featured at all in the TV show. She is a legit smoke. Her and I attended Boston College together.

My roommate freshman year was on the BC basketball team.  He was almost seven feet tall and had an And 1 tattoo on his arm.  He could barely fit on the bed and his alarm would go off every morning for practice at 6am.  He would never get up and I would yell his name to turn off the alarm.

Anyway, Casey Jenner was a junior at the time and lived off campus. Her and my roommate dated that year.

I had this hot box set up under my bed that I created with rack raisers and sheets.  I would sit under my bed for hours smoking pot and you couldn't smell anything in the hallway.

One night I had fallen asleep in there and my roommate and Casey came home.  They had no idea I was under there. I woke up to them talking and I didn't feel like coming out of the cave.  They proceeded to hook up and gradually have sex.

It was too late to mention I was in the room, so I stayed silent.   I couldn't resist all the sounds I was hearing and I needed a visual. I peeked my head out and watched was the greatest vision these eyes have ever scene.

I felt like Rudy's dad seeing Notre Dame stadium.

Eventually they left the room and I was able to escape my cell.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Here is the Holy Bible of conversation topics

The following is a list of topics that will make for some excellent conversation:


- The taste of a girls butthole

- You preference of a male or female therapist

- The appropriate amount of time to look at a dogs red rocket

- If your boss died would you be sad

- The types of rich people crime you would commit. (stealing skis from a lodge, taking someone's coat at a party)

- The amount of money you would pay a girl to get an abortion

- The joy of having your prostate massaged

- The moment you have felt the most racist

- Feeling happy when others fail

- The last time you cried really hard

- Eating human flesh to stay alive

- Would you push someone you hate off of a cliff if no one would know

- The amount of time you think you could survive torture

- The weirdest thing you have searched for on the internet

- The moment you realized you should start deleting your browsing history

- How much you hate your friends wife

- The amount of time you will look for your phone before you determine it is lost


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

The phrase "innocent until proven guilty" needs to be officially retired from american life

The presumption of innocence, sometimes referred to by the Latin expression Ei incumbit probatio qui dicit, non qui negat (the burden of proof is on he who declares, not on he who denies), is the principle that one is considered innocent until proven guilty


Hi, how are you?

Great, thanks.

Actually, I am not that great. Because someone accused me of something and it got dismissed and/or I was found not guilty.

This conversation could be anyone in the United States of America.

Good and you? Not that great. Because all those accusations are all over facebook and google and twitter and whatever else you might think of.

Do people realize that the phrase "innocent until proven guilty" needs to be retired from american life?

Jamies Winston FSU quarterback? not enough evidence to prove the case. The jury on twitter? guilty.

Duke Lacrosse players? the lead prosecutor got disbarred for prosecutorial misconduct. The rest of these players lives? guilty.

Hey, it was fun while it lasted. But the phrase "innocent until proven guilty" does not exist in american life anymore.

Goodbye legal system. You have been replaced by social media.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

The Godfather has requested a sitdown with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton

So apparently Lindsay Lohan is in an all out war against the Hilton family.

Paris Hilton's brother, Barron Hilton, was beaten up really bad this weekend. 

According to the story, Barron and Lindsay Lohan were at a club this weekend and firecrotch issued a hit on Barron. One of her bodyguards or something sent him to the hospital with what looks like a broken face.

But the best part of the story is the response from Paris Hilton:

"They will both pay for what they did. No one fucks with my family and gets away with it!!"

Do not be surprised if Lohan goes missing and all we have is a fish wrapped in newspaper.

Lindsay Lohan could be sleeping with the fishes very soon.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Any man who has to say "I am the King" is no true King. Game of Thrones Season 4 starts soon

I'm so excited, and I just cant hide it.

I'm about to lose control and I think I like it.

Game of Thrones Season 4 is right around the corner.

I will never forgot that time Ned Stark and Jamie Lannister had a lightsaber battle

Ned Stark and Jamie Lannister lightsaber battle


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

This Paul Walker video will make you cry

I just cried. If you would like to cry as well you should watch this video.

Paul Walker Tribute

My saturday night plans? 

Bottle of wine

Turn on the electric fireplace

Fast and the Furious Marathon


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Breaking News: Ja Rule is gay

What is this, a center for ants?

Our pets heads are falling off!!!

No Ja Rule. You are not gay. This is just a phase.

If you haven't heard, Ja Rule is now gay with the man he shared a cell with in prison.

I would give you a list of all the hit songs Ja Rule has had, but if you don't already know them off the top of your head then we are not friends. I have too many friends anyway. Well, not in real life, but on facebook.

Anyway, the lyrics of Ja Rule basically taught me how to talk to a woman and is why I am the charming man I am today.

Please Ja Rule, sing songs about the ladies, not the guys.

You and Andy Dufrene just got really close in that cell and now you are confused.

This just a phase Ja Rule. This is just a phase.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Famous people are everywhere in LA, so keep your head on a swivel.

OK, so famous people are all around you when you live in LA. 

I'm erect, why aren't you erect?

That woman who just interviewed you for a job? She had a small role in the movie Showgirls and has done porn. (She eventually wrote my law school recommendation letter. I've masturbated to her scenes many times. Is that weird that I masturbate to the woman that wrote my recommendation letter?). 

I didn't lead them my lord, we thought you did

That guy you just did shots with who knows your buddy? He will be super famous in 4 years and be an A-list celebrity. His name is Garrett Hedlund. When I met him he had just played Brad Pitts cousin Patroclus in the movie Troy. Every time I was with him I would call him Patroclus, so my buddy stopped bringing me around. Like I said before (see Urkel blog), I'm not good at celebrity encounters in normal situations.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

The black girl who works with you in casting? That is Diana Ross’s daughter (we were gonna hook up one night, but instead I went home with the lesbian who worked as a writer on the show. We went back to her place, I couldn't get an erection, and when I saw her at work the next day we high fived).

Stifler's Mom

The guy next to you in line at the sub shop? That is Chris Klein. You just saw him get punked by Aston Kutcher the night before and he is all over the tabloids because his ex-girlfriend (Katie Holmes) is now dating Tom Cruise.  He is with some hot chick and if you take his picture some gossip site would probably pay you $10 grand because he’s in the news all the time on what he thinks of Katie dating Tom.  Do you take a picture or make small talk? I made small talk about the Italian subs. 

Eiffel Tower

The blond chick buying shoes next to you? That is Paris Hilton, who is with E from Entourage because he is dating her sister (I had three encounters with Paris).  E and you are sitting next to each other waiting for your shoe sizes to be brought out.  He is a size 8 and is super small in person. 

The Usual Suspects

The guy sitting next to you at a shithole strip club? That is Benecio Del Torro (do not buy him a lap dance).  

The old guy living in the huge beach house next to you? That is Donald Sutherland.  Do you know how weird it is to watch the show 24 on a TV and ten feet from the window is Keither Sutherlands dad? I do.  

The guy smoking weed on the porch with your new neighbor? That is Paul Walker.  

The douchebaggy guy who is trying to bring the girl you are talking to into a VIP section? He is a pretty big agent but really short and obnoxious.  

The guy next to you in the bathroom line? That is Bob Saget. 

The awkward guy behind you at a dive bar? He was on Real World. (Reality show people are everywhere in LA, that’s another blog)  

These are all true stories and happen all the time.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

The biggest contribution Nelson Mandela made to our society? His dance moves

Ok, so Nelson Mandela died yesterday and that is sad as fuck.

Actually, it's not really sad because the guy was 95 and not doing well for quite some time.  Living to be 95 is a pretty good run.

It's more just a time to look at the guys life and be like wow. He spent 27 years in jail and then changed the entire social dynamic of an entire country.

But that is not the point of this blog.

I was at a bar last night and the news was on this big TV.  They did a piece on Nelson Mandela and I couldn't hear anything they were saying.

But do you know what I did see?

Clips of him dancing, and they were phenomenal.  That guy could dance with the best of them.

I am serious.  Like at least five clips in a row of him dancing and smiling wearing awesome Hawaiian/African looking shirts. He just moves his arms and rocks back and forth with such enthusiasm for life.

So I will officially will pour some out for my homie that passed away.

RIP Nelson Mandela.  I will always remember your dance moves.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

It is officially accused rapist day over at ESPN

Everything on ESPN today is about the rape investigation involving FSU quarterback Jameis Winston.

All day they have been talking about what he might be charged with, why the accuser waited so long, the difficulty that the prosecutor will have in proving this case, etc.  

We know everything we need to know about this case in time for the press conference, where the state attorney will announce the conclusion of the alleged rape investigation.

Oh what's that viewer? You have had enough of accused rapist coverage?

OK, fine. We will do an interview with Kobe Bryant about his return to the Lakers after his injury.

Oh .... wait....   Kobe Bryant is an accused rapist as well. 

It's accused rapist day !!!! 


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

The top 3 celebrities I would be gay with: Anderson Cooper, Adam Levine, and David Beckham.

The following is a list of the top 3 celebrities I would be gay with:

1.  Anderson Cooper

Anderson just gets it.  He's smart and sharp with the right amount of self-deprecating humor.  He hosts a show on CNN and always does awesome breaking news reports from remote places.

What I love about him: his pale skin, the fact that he is a germaphobe, his grey hair, his Ivy League smugness.

What I would make him do: This one is a tough call because Anderson is gay so the options are infinite. I would make him lay next to me on a nude beach as I watched the blazing sun torch his perfect pale skin. Later in the day, I would dye his hair black and masturbate as a homeless man sensually applied aloe all over his body. Finally, I would dress up as the joker and make him interview me while a butt plug was inserted in his rectum. The interview would conclude with me asking him, "Why so serious"?

2.  Adam Levine
Adam is on fire right now. He was named the most beautiful person of 2013 by People Magazine.  He is a judge on The Voice which is one of the most popular shows on TV.  He is engaged to a supermodel. He is a pitchman for Pro-active solution because he had really bad acne when he was younger.

What I love about him: ummmm everything? his voice, his tattoos, his slim figure, his semi-hipster style

What I would make him do: I would make him serenade me songs while I applied Nair to various parts of my body.

3.  David Beckham
David is an international icon and one of the elite soccer players in the world. He's married to one of the Spice Girls and models underwear.

What I love about him: The range of hairstyles he has pulled off over the years is a credit to his icon status. His faux-hawk years redefined the hair game. He has this high pitched accent that makes me melt when he talks.

What I would do with him: David and I would pass the soccer ball around wearing nothing but Armani underwear in the stadium of Real Madrid. We would make sweet love wrapped in a soccer net while the Spice Girls hit "tell me what you want, what you really really want" blasted through the speakers. Finally, I would ask him if I took it too far with Anderson and issue him a red card.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Do people realize how crazy Venice Beach is in LA?

Do people realize how crazy Venice Beach is?

If you put sand, a bong, artwork, tattoos, alcohol, sports, sun, movies, and vegas in a blender with a dash of sketchy you would have Venice Beach.

White Men Can't Jump

In one section you have the legendary basketball courts that are packed with all these crazy motherfuckers playing pickup. Good luck trying to get in one of these games.  These courts are where White Men Can't Jump took place and everything in that movie is accurate. You could really get killed. The crowds and players do not mess around.

In another section you have a huge outdoor gym called Muscle Beach with these giant tattooed guys just lifting weights all day.  I tried talking to one of them once to ask how to join and he completely ignored me.

There are the handball courts where you literally feel like you are in a prison yard. Handball is just two guys hitting a ball with their hand against a huge concrete jungle.

There are the paddle tennis courts which is secretly the funnest game you will ever play.  It's like ping pong meets tennis.  I played in a couple paddle tennis tournaments there and lets just say it is not breakfast at Wimbledon.

Sublime and Jimmy Superfly Snooka

There is a strip of bars that look like the band Sublime would hang out at that are so unbelievable funny to people watch at.  You will literally just be at one of these bars looking at all the activity and people around you. Remember the character Hillary Swank played in Million Dollar Baby? She was a waitress at one of these bars in the movie.

There is all kind of hustle here and people trying to make a buck.  Mark Burnett, the guy who created Survivor and Apprentice, got his start selling T-shirts here. There are struggling rappers and musicians performing that will ask you to buy their mix tape.  Do not spend too much time listening or make eye contact.

There are bizarre people acts going on all around you.  There is this one guy who wears a leopard thong and balances a silver ball all over his body.  This is his job.  He is there every single day.  He looks exactly like Jimmy Superfly Snooka.  There are people juggling chainsaws and things on fire. There are people piercing themselves and balancing on top of each other.  Crowds are gathered all around them.

I'm not your brah, brah

There are hundreds of people just camped out selling artwork, bums everywhere, and thousands of people just walking around.  There is this long bike path that goes from Malibu all the way down to Venice that people are just rollerblading on, riding bikes, and hot chicks walking up and down. I repeat, there are hot chicks everywhere just walking around in bikini's.  You can just stand by the strip and watch them go buy.

There are a bunch of surf shops where you can rent all the surf/skate/bike equipment you need and all kinds of gear. You will get bro overload if you stay too long.

There are a million head shops on the strip and pot is everywhere.  Hippies are all over this place and there is a serious drum circle at sunset which is just a couple hundred hippies forming a circle playing drums.

Lights, Camera, Lance

There is shit being filmed all around you, from real deal commercials or movies to a random kid making his prank videos.  I saw a Lance Armstrong commercial being filmed there and just watched them film the whole day.  He had to film this scene on the basketball courts where he had his layup blocked and they did like twenty takes.  One chicks job was to spray him with a water fan between takes.

There is literally so much more and just endless activity around you. It's an awesome place that needs to be a part of any LA visit.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

E-cigs are taking over Hollywood and I feel cool when I smoke them

Have you seen all the commercials lately about electronic cigarettes?

Steven Dorff and Jenny McCarthy are now pushing these awesome toys in new ads claiming to "Get your life back."

Do you know how long ago it was that a celebrity would endorse a tobacco product?  That's some 1950's shit right there.  They look so cool hanging out in trendy places smoking their e-cigs and god has it worked on me.  You can literally smoke them anywhere and no one will know.  They produce no smell or smoke and the person next to you would have no idea you are smoking one.  I know from experience. The friday after thanksgiving I spent all night watching TV with my mom.  All night I was toking on that thing getting a buzz and I felt so cool.  Granted it was friday night and I was watching TV with my mom, but you get what I am saying.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

How to grease a bouncer and get in anywhere

Step #1:  Go to the place on an off night and learn everyone's name and a tidbit.  Start with the bouncer, walk over to him and make small talk and get his name.  Chat up your bartender and give them a nice tip.

Step#2:  Go to the place when it is semi busy and have 20 dollars in your hand per person.  I would start off with just you and one other person to get a feel of what kind of pressure the doorman deals with and how he handles the money transaction.

Step#3:  Have the money in your hand and go right in for the handshake and say his name and "What's up." Any door man worth his shit knows the routine and wants people to be cool.

A few notes:

I usually stand like across the street at first or far away just to get a feel and assess.  Once you make your approach DO NOT GET IN LINE.  You do not want the people in line to become familiar with you or have any chance to bust your chops.  Get out of the cab, and go right to the bouncer guy and be cool with the handshake money transaction.

This is so easy but most people are losers and have no idea how things work.  Oh there is a line? I am just going to get in the back of it and hope it moves.  This is what 95% of people do and it baffles me.  The doorman want you to be cool and want to make money. After a little while he will just recognize you and appreciate you knowing the deal and will let you in with more people and perhaps no money.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

I am in a serious standoff with my landlord and my only weapon is loud porn

I live in unit 1 of a four apartment building.

All of the other units have moved out or can't be rented because the landlord has just completely given up and doesn't fix anything and I am the only one left in the building.

For the last three weeks he has had people in the hallway entrance right by my door trying to make the place look good.

People putting in marble, painting, hammering, and just making tons of noise.  They are loud and obnoxious and I can hear everything.

I "work" from home most of the time and there is just a poorly framed door separating my couch and all this noise.

So what do I do?

Do I open the door and politely tell them to keep it down? Nope.

Do I use some legal jargon on law firm letterhead and write my landlord a letter? Nope. 

I play porn really loud all day and make them as uncomfortable as they can be.  Case closed.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Steve Urkel lives in LA, he prefers for you to call him "J", and he smokes blunts

I got high with Steve Urkel and this is my story:

(By the way, he is smooth and good looking in person, not Urkel at all)

When I first moved to LA I called up everyone I know who lived there.  This one girl I went to high school with was having some people over on a Friday night.  I hadn’t seen her in a while and went there with my friend whose couch I was crashing on.  This was literally like my third night in LA, so I was kinda excited to see someone I knew.  

We get to her house and there are about seven people there.  She greets me at the door, we say hello, and she introduces me to people.  This black guy sitting on the couch gets up and says, “What’s up, I’m J.” I shake his hand and meet the others, make small talk and go into the kitchen to catch up with the girl I knew.  

As I walk into the kitchen, I get a what the hell feeling.  My buddy nudges me and says, you know who that is right? 

Huh? What?  

That’s Steve Urkel.  

In my head I’m like this is so weird, how do I act? He’s just chilling on the couch.  I really don’t know if I am supposed to ask a question on why he is here or what. 

Do I acknowledge that he is a celebrity? Do I make a big deal out of it? I think I mumbled, “oh really.” 

Apparently he had been dating the girl I knew for a while.  And I guess “J” is short for Jaleel White, his actual name.  So we walk back over to the sitting area.  I sit down across from Urkel and try to act normal.   We are all gathered around a table drinking and doing shots.  I am thinking to myself, does everyone else know he is Urkel? (like I said before, he is smooth and good looking in person, not Urkel at all). 

Anyway, there is a huge bag of weed on the table and Urkel starts rolling a blunt.  

I’m making small talk, where are you from, yadda yadda? People are asking me questions, and the whole time I am watching Urkel break the blunt, fill it with pot, lick it, and start lighting it.  No way I am about to smoke weed with Steve Urkel.  

He passes me the blunt and I take a couple hits, thinking my mouth is touching Urkel’s saliva.  I get super high and all I can think about is how the other people are acting towards him and that he fucks my friend.  I have so many questions about the whole situation.  I talk to him as much as I can without acknowledging who he actually is.  

Anyway, long story long I throw up in my buddy’s car on the ride home, wake up the next morning, and I go to my buddy, “That was weird, right?” He goes, “Yah, you’ll get used to it. That happens a lot in LA.”

I came to learn that knowing someone is a celebrity and trying to act normal is not a skill of mine.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Who will you meet in LA?

            This is where it gets interesting. Everyone in LA has a story and something else they are working on and trying to become.  I’ll break it down like this.

1. People who are trying to be talent (be on tv or in the movies)
2. People who just want to live in California
3. People who gave up on trying to be the talent and are just working normal jobs
4. Actual Celebrities (A list to D list)
5. People who just moved there because where they are from is boring and want to be around fame (Dwight Howard, prom kings and queens)
6. Lots of bums
7. Lots of tourists

I really have no idea where to start because the people you will meet are what make the whole experience worth it.  Everyone falls into all of these categories.  Are you blazing hot in your small town and think you should be famous? Well guess what, there are a million small towns in the US with captain cool kids/smokeshows in all of them.  And they all think they should be famous so they move to LA.  They are everywhere so good luck to you.  Most people who live there are not from LA, which is kinda weird but cool.  God I have so many stories I don’t know where to start. 


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Where should you live in LA?

First of all, why is the Barstool LA site not called Hollywood?  That would have such a better ring to it.  LA is short for Los Angeles, and Los Angeles is huge.  If I had a map I could cut out a range of places, landmarks, neighborhoods that make sense.  I don’t have a map. I wrote about a map on my law school application essay.  

Second of all, (what comes after first of all? Its second of all right?) what you need to know about living in LA is that you will drink and drive a lot. A LOT.  I can not believe I was not arrested for a DUI, because you have to drive everywhere.  There is no T, no public transportation, although I did take a bus once, and it costs a lot of money to take a cab somewhere because everything is spread out.

Boston? You have the T. 

New York? You have the subway.  

Chicago? You have the rail (or whatever that bell sound that was made when Dr. Richard Kimble was on the pay phone)

LA? You have to drive or take an expensive cab.  

It’s just not a real city as far as city living goes.  

It costs $65 dollars for a cab to take you from 3^rd street in Santa Monica (where Whitey Buiger lived), to the sunset strip in Hollywood where all the bars you’ve heard in rap songs or read about in US weekly are located.  Ever heard the Jay-Z song lyrics Bubblin in Dublin’s? Dublins is a bar on Sunset strip.  

Hollywood is the name on that sign in Hollwood Hills and the generic term for where show biz is located, but you would not want to live in the actual neighborhood.  It’s really seedy and you feel uncomfortable walking around. 

West Hollywood is the gay section.  

Beverly Hills is where rich people shop in movies and feels like Epcott center. 

Century City, Westwood, Brentwood (where UCLA is) are all next to each other between the beach and Hollywood.  

USC is in the ghetto. 

Downtown LA, where the Lakers play, is far away from everything and not really downtown at all. 

Santa Monica and Venice are the beach towns.  But if you want to live a beach bum life move to San Diego.  Venice beach is fucking sketchy, Santa Monica Beach is gross and all Mexicans.  

Manhattan Beach and Hermosa Beach are pretty sick and where pro volleyball tournaments are.  

What is the point of this blog? Don’t move to LA. You have to own a car and you have to drive everywhere.  It’s so spread out and makes zero sense geographically. Driving home from work and getting stuck on the 405 or the 10 is the absolute worst.  


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Why should I be the LA blogger for Barstool?

Great question.  First off I moved to LA after college in 2003 and lived there for two years.  I started on a random friends couch for about two weeks, lived in my car for a couple days, moved in with a random girl on craigslist who did coke all the time and had sex with Ron Jeremy, and eventually met some guys that went to the same school as me and moved into a sick beach house in Santa Monica.  

I worked random jobs and got fired from two of them.  I worked as an assistant to an agent (he prefers his water with no ice), as a casting assistant (Roger Lodge is handsome), as a marketing assistant for an NFL event, as an assistant for an advertisiing company, and as an intern for Reebok.  

I met some weird people, stared at very beautiful women, smoked a lot of pot, took copious amounts of adderall, went to rub and tugs, avoided phone calls from my parents, went to the beach, got stuck in traffic, tried to be cool, had some funny celeb encounters, made some friends, went to a few red carpet parties, and had no idea what I was doing. 

Eventually I was going nowhere, got depressed, moved back home to Boston for two months and took the LSATS. I applied to law school, flew back out to LA, got into law school, thought about getting a real job, but just kind of existed until it was time to move back to Boston and go to school.  Now I’m 32, I’m a lawyer and I really want nothing to do with the law.  I’ve done criminal law, personal injury, real estate, business litigation and some other random tasks.  

I just enjoy making people laugh.  I usually just make fun of myself and have no filter and say something awkward or what really happened.  When you say something random to people you have much better conversations.  Tell someone a personal detail about your life and see what happens in that dark place.  That’s where I live.  

I get really bored with the “Hi, how are you?” “Good and you” exchange.  Tell a person you took too much adderall the night before, ran out of your sleeping pills, and are feeling groggy.  See what happens. Good and you? Nope.  They probably have some prescription for something weird they take as well, have tried to convince a Dr. to prescribe them something, and find it bizarre that they are telling someone this.  

Why? Why what? Did I just blog something? I guess this is my first blog?


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise

Is that you God?

This blog is set-up with the sole purpose of being hired as the Barstool Sports writer in LA.  What the fuck is a blog? As in, how do I start one? I guess there is something called wordpress or some other hosting site that Danica Patrick promotes. I thinks it’s Go Daddy or something.  I’m just gonna create a few blogs and see what happens.


You can follow me on twitter @thedavewise